Why It is Not Good for Man to Be Alone (Or At Least Me)

Why does she ever leave me alone?

Why did I get married? Because I’m a loss as a human being by myself.

Two of our girls went out of town with their grandparents last weekend and Erin took the baby down to the LA area to pick them up on Monday. I wanted to go with them, but I had work. This left me alone in the house for almost two full days.

This is never a good idea.

Whenever I’m left to my own devices, I have one thought and one thought only. Well, two thoughts: I must get seafood as quickly as possible (Erin is allergic) and I can turn up the surround sound as loud as I want.

The surround sound is actually not as much fun as it used to be. I’ve grown so accustomed to turning it down for sleeping babies that now it sounds obnoxious when I turn it up to THE TRANSFORMER IS IN MY LIVING ROOM! levels.

But seafood… ohhhh seafood. It’s my favorite food and it is never served in our home. Unfortunately, there are precious few seafood places near where I live and my favorite is about 40 miles away. (For you locals, it’s Crab Cakes in Oakhurst. That’s right, Oakhurst.) I couldn’t justify driving that far with today’s gas prices and my lead foot.

I chose West Coast Fish ‘N’ Chips instead. Fast food seafood, but it’s a short mile from my house and pretty good if you like deep fried and going way, way off diet.

I pulled up, noticed all the lights were off. I got out of the car, walked up to the door and sure enough: CLOSED. It was 6pm. They close at 2:30 on Mondays. As a character in a movie currently on heavy rotation in my house would say, What the Wocka!?

I got back in the car and drove to “Old Town” where most of the locally-based eateries are. This is when a wife would have really come in handy.

I drove up and down the streets trying to figure out what, besides seafood, sounded good to me. I couldn’t make up my mind. My wife always yells at me for taking forever in the 7-11 trying to figure out which candy bar to buy. She is absolutely right to do this as I feel that picking the right candy bar is one of the very most important decisions a human being can make, so I take my time. Now, I was looking for an entire meal. Only the President trying to decide whether to bomb Iraq could possibly understand the depth of conflict within me as I drove and considered and weighed each dining possibility in my mind.

At one point, I ducked into a Vietnamese restaurant to check out their menu. I’ve never had Vietnamese food. Turns out, all they serve is soup. Noodles in soup. Rice in soup. Beef in soup.

I DIDN’T WANT SOUP.

A full hour went by. A. Full. Hour. I still hadn’t made up my mind. Erin would have long since made me pull off the road and forced me to eat at Wendy’s. And I probably would have been fine with it.

Not knowing what else to do, I finally settled on Chinese food at a small Japanese restaurant (yeah, I don’t get that either) I’d never tried before. I ordered way too much food, and none of it seafood. But at least it was good.

And it only cost me $8 and an hour and a half of my life.

Are you married? What bad habits do you fall into when you’re all alone?

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9 comments

  1. Sounds like you need Joe’s Crab Shack. I’ve never eaten there, but everyone says it’s amazing.

    My sin of sins is Häagen-Dazs chocolate chip cookie dough (and, where available, white chocolate raspberry truffle) ice cream. But I buy it whether Karen is around or not, so…

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  2. My wife once told me that married men live longer. I think that’s probably true. I guess it’s because women, being bearers of children and whatnot, are more in tune with their bodies. If I had an alien growing inside of me (that’s essentially what it is), I’d probably pay more attention to what I ate too.

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  3. Well, I don’t know what my excuse is, but if my family had vacated the premises, I probably would have done the exact same thing. I’m excellent at wandering.

    So sorry you didn’t get the seafood… but your Chinese food pick looks delish. I love General Tso chicken.

    The transformer is in my living room! hahaha

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    1. And I have to say… I actually kind of enjoy wandering. My life is usually so regimented. It’s nice to be out and about with no particular place to be or time to be there.

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  4. My own experiences with being alone in the house would result in being lost in the Net, zoning out by petting the cat (she would enjoy that completely), and taking a nap.

    For dining “out”, as in a take out place, I would probably go get a box of Nasty McNugglets from the Golden Starches (no sauce, thanks), a large Broken Cola (Roman Catholicism has no prohibitions against caffeine), and maybe some fries.

    Or a couple slices of party store pizza.

    Mmmmm… grease.

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    1. I’ve taken laying-about-the-house route as well, Alexander, and it has its rewards. Grease, I try to avoid. But I admit that I do answer its call a little more readily when Erin is away.

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  5. It is very true that God punishes many of us men with loneliness, and to see so many very blessed men out there that were lucky to meet the woman of their life does really hurt us innocent men. God did say that man should never alone, so why in the world is he punishing us this way? How very mean can God be to us when many of us men are very much hoping to meet a good woman to settle down with? Loneliness is the worst thing in the world next to having cancer since cancer does kill you much faster, and loneliness is a very slow and painful death when you’re all alone.

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