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Brock Heasley

author, artist, occasional sleeper

Why does she ever leave me alone?

Why did I get married? Because I’m a loss as a human being by myself.

Two of our girls went out of town with their grandparents last weekend and Erin took the baby down to the LA area to pick them up on Monday. I wanted to go with them, but I had work. This left me alone in the house for almost two full days.

This is never a good idea.

Whenever I’m left to my own devices, I have one thought and one thought only. Well, two thoughts: I must get seafood as quickly as possible (Erin is allergic) and I can turn up the surround sound as loud as I want.

The surround sound is actually not as much fun as it used to be. I’ve grown so accustomed to turning it down for sleeping babies that now it sounds obnoxious when I turn it up to THE TRANSFORMER IS IN MY LIVING ROOM! levels.

But seafood… ohhhh seafood. It’s my favorite food and it is never served in our home. Unfortunately, there are precious few seafood places near where I live and my favorite is about 40 miles away. (For you locals, it’s Crab Cakes in Oakhurst. That’s right, Oakhurst.) I couldn’t justify driving that far with today’s gas prices and my lead foot.

I chose West Coast Fish ‘N’ Chips instead. Fast food seafood, but it’s a short mile from my house and pretty good if you like deep fried and going way, way off diet.

I pulled up, noticed all the lights were off. I got out of the car, walked up to the door and sure enough: CLOSED. It was 6pm. They close at 2:30 on Mondays. As a character in a movie currently on heavy rotation in my house would say, What the Wocka!?

I got back in the car and drove to “Old Town” where most of the locally-based eateries are. This is when a wife would have really come in handy.

I drove up and down the streets trying to figure out what, besides seafood, sounded good to me. I couldn’t make up my mind. My wife always yells at me for taking forever in the 7-11 trying to figure out which candy bar to buy. She is absolutely right to do this as I feel that picking the right candy bar is one of the very most important decisions a human being can make, so I take my time. Now, I was looking for an entire meal. Only the President trying to decide whether to bomb Iraq could possibly understand the depth of conflict within me as I drove and considered and weighed each dining possibility in my mind.

At one point, I ducked into a Vietnamese restaurant to check out their menu. I’ve never had Vietnamese food. Turns out, all they serve is soup. Noodles in soup. Rice in soup. Beef in soup.

I DIDN’T WANT SOUP.

A full hour went by. A. Full. Hour. I still hadn’t made up my mind. Erin would have long since made me pull off the road and forced me to eat at Wendy’s. And I probably would have been fine with it.

Not knowing what else to do, I finally settled on Chinese food at a small Japanese restaurant (yeah, I don’t get that either) I’d never tried before. I ordered way too much food, and none of it seafood. But at least it was good.

And it only cost me $8 and an hour and a half of my life.

Are you married? What bad habits do you fall into when you’re all alone?

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