Can’t I Just Get a Win?

Jar Jar knows what I'm talking about.

Jar Jar knows what I’m talking about.

In the interest of providing balance (like it or not, we brand ourselves to others with what we choose to share), may I just say the past day has been a little rough? Nothing big has happened, just the usual pressures of life getting me down a little.

I know failure is valuable and without it no one ever truly succeeds, but I realized yesterday that I’ve accepted the important place failure has in my life and in my learning so fully that I haven’t been noticing that it’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen a measurable success. I would really like to have a success, just one I can point to and say “See? That worked.” At the moment, I feel quite done with potential and promise and talent. I would like a win. Something achieved. A gain.

A success.

This is whining. This is what whining looks like, I know. I don’t share any of this in denial of my great blessings–my family, the roof that keeps the rain off our heads, my wife’s excellent cooking, etc.–but once in a while even the happiest of us gets low and I think it’s important to acknowledge those times to others and ourselves in the interest of balance and growth. I’ve got to process the bad feelings to understand them. Pretending they aren’t there or that I shouldn’t have them is stupid.

So, yes, it would be nice if success didn’t feel like a constantly moving target. When that happens so consistently, you become fearful. You can’t just lose, lose, lose all the time. Eventually, you’ll run out of the ability to even experience loss because you won’t have anything. So I would like a win. Just one to prove it’s still possible.

This is kind of like a prayer. Don’t think you’re the first person I’ve said this to (you, the collective internet) because Heavenly Father and I have been going at it on this for a little while. Oddly, for all the sadness I feel right now, I also feel peace. I assume that’s by comforting design.

I don’t share any of this as a plea for assurances. Please don’t do that. As I said, I’m done with promise and potential and talent. Or at least I’m done with pointing to those things as proof that there is an end to my personal losing streak. If effort, ability and sheer force of will had the power to correct this situation, I’m sure it would have happened a long time ago.

My suspicion is that this is simply going to take some time and that I’ll feel much better for having said these things. Success is also a matter of timing. I’ve experienced too many losses that lead to great gains in my life to be too overly depressed by all this. Still, it’s frustrating to find that the older I get the more elongated these lessons become–and the more patient I need to be.

Maybe that’s the point.

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