Day 8 – George Bailey Moments

On August 28th, my wife lost her job. 24 hours later, I lost mine. This blog is a continuation of the day-by-day chronicling of our emotional journey back to employment. This is bound to be upsetting, hilarious and hopeful.

September 5, 2014

Violet and Erin, who are awesome.

Violet and Erin, who are awesome.

Not gonna lie, today was a tough one. Woke up barely able to lift my head from the pillow and wanting to puke again. Didn’t eat anything until Cami was home from school, at around 3pm. Even then, it wasn’t much. Violet, our youngest (age 3), caught me:

Violet: What are you eating?

Me: A sucker. This is my diet today: suckers and popcorn.

Violet: Suckers and popcorn is not good.

GeorgeBaileyIt’s hard to look at my kids sometimes. I have George Bailey moments where I feel like I’ve failed so badly it would better if I hadn’t been around in the first place to get everyone into this mess. Erin tells me Angels don’t really get their wings every time a bell rings, so don’t do anything stupid. We have no bridges around here. I think I’m safe.

Finally got around to starting my resume today. I’m worried I’ve been out of the job hunt so long that I completely misunderstand even the basic requirements of how to present myself. I’d love to do something with writing, but my work history doesn’t reflect that too much. As a graphic designer by trade, I’m worried my boring, Microsoft-Worded Up one pager is woefully unimpressive, but without my work computer I have no access to any of the programs I need to do a decent design job.

* * *

Friends came by again tonight to play games. If we’re somebody’s project aimed at making sure Erin and I aren’t alone and free to wallow in our miserable state, I’m glad for it. Playing games of any sort seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off the stress and the worry.

Just before our friends arrived, things were tense in the house. There was nothing particularly wrong between Erin and me, but everything we said to each other sounded like an attack to the other person. Once our friends came through the door, all that garbage went away. We’ve weathered a lot of storms together (some worse than this), and we’ll be okay, but sometimes the bad overwhelms the good. Not on the whole, but there are certainly times–pocket moments–when at least I lose sight of the great blessing that is all we’ve already endured and I temptingly think, “This is it. It will never be as good as it was and this is the beginning of our slippery slide downhill. We should get used to this depressed state because it’s all we have now.” I think those kinds of thoughts are where the darkness we sometimes feel comes from.

They’re lies.

 

A brief note: This blog operates about 12 days in the past (check the dates at the top of each post). That’s causing some confusion for me in real life as I have people reacting to what I write here as though it is currently happening (spoiler alert: my appetite returns). I’m going to try to narrow the gap a little and do two posts in one day here and there. Expect Day 9 later this evening. 

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5 comments

  1. BROCK: “This is it. It will never be as good as it was and this is the beginning of our slippery slide downhill. We should get used to this depressed state because it’s all we have now.”

    MYSELF: That’s a statement that anyone who has dealt with, or is dealing with Depression knows far too well. They end up believing there is nothing for them, now or in the future. Sadly at times this leads one to give up the fight and do something final. There are also people who don’t understand that sometimes depression can be so exhausting that eventually those fighting it no longer have the energy to care. I’m not saying the results are acceptable, I’m just saying that Depression can be far more serious than most people think it can be.

    I’m not sure of your personal religious beliefs, though its obvious you’re a man of faith, grab that Book, sit down and read some of what happened. And look how they found a better future.

    If they can do it, you can do it.

    That’s all I can say.

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  2. The bit about Depression wasn’t specifically aimed at you, since you said “It’s all Lies.” but rather for any who read this that have issues really understanding the Depression that hits you at moments. Sometimes even knowing that its a lie its still hard to convince our heart of that fact.

    I’d know. I’m on Psych Meds, some are anti-depressants. Overcoming those lies that my mind knows are lies … it can be exhausting. I’d rather not be on the meds, but … they do help. I’ve also told the docs that if I find a natural remedy that doesn’t have seriously damaging side effects, its goodbye medication.

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  3. The title of this post really got to me. I’ve spent the last year going through a divorce, and the serious bout of depression that came with it. Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s had to get through those George Bailey moments. You will make it as long as you keep trying! I’m sure you already know that, but sometimes another witness helps. 🙂

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    1. Thanks for sharing that, Nick. I can’t imagine that, any guy, if he’s honest, doesn’t have George Bailey Moments. We just want to be strong for those we love. We don’t want to let them down.

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