On August 28th, my wife lost her job. 24 hours later, I lost mine. This blog is a continuation of the day-by-day chronicling of our emotional journey back to employment. This is bound to be upsetting, hilarious and hopeful.
September 5, 2014
Not gonna lie, today was a tough one. Woke up barely able to lift my head from the pillow and wanting to puke again. Didn’t eat anything until Cami was home from school, at around 3pm. Even then, it wasn’t much. Violet, our youngest (age 3), caught me:
Violet: What are you eating?
Me: A sucker. This is my diet today: suckers and popcorn.
Violet: Suckers and popcorn is not good.
It’s hard to look at my kids sometimes. I have George Bailey moments where I feel like I’ve failed so badly it would better if I hadn’t been around in the first place to get everyone into this mess. Erin tells me Angels don’t really get their wings every time a bell rings, so don’t do anything stupid. We have no bridges around here. I think I’m safe.
Finally got around to starting my resume today. I’m worried I’ve been out of the job hunt so long that I completely misunderstand even the basic requirements of how to present myself. I’d love to do something with writing, but my work history doesn’t reflect that too much. As a graphic designer by trade, I’m worried my boring, Microsoft-Worded Up one pager is woefully unimpressive, but without my work computer I have no access to any of the programs I need to do a decent design job.
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Friends came by again tonight to play games. If we’re somebody’s project aimed at making sure Erin and I aren’t alone and free to wallow in our miserable state, I’m glad for it. Playing games of any sort seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off the stress and the worry.
Just before our friends arrived, things were tense in the house. There was nothing particularly wrong between Erin and me, but everything we said to each other sounded like an attack to the other person. Once our friends came through the door, all that garbage went away. We’ve weathered a lot of storms together (some worse than this), and we’ll be okay, but sometimes the bad overwhelms the good. Not on the whole, but there are certainly times–pocket moments–when at least I lose sight of the great blessing that is all we’ve already endured and I temptingly think, “This is it. It will never be as good as it was and this is the beginning of our slippery slide downhill. We should get used to this depressed state because it’s all we have now.” I think those kinds of thoughts are where the darkness we sometimes feel comes from.
A brief note: This blog operates about 12 days in the past (check the dates at the top of each post). That’s causing some confusion for me in real life as I have people reacting to what I write here as though it is currently happening (spoiler alert: my appetite returns). I’m going to try to narrow the gap a little and do two posts in one day here and there. Expect Day 9 later this evening.